Darling, allow me to introduce myself. I am Madame Purrlina, clairvoyant of the cosmos, interpreter of the stars, and the only cat who can divine the contents of your litter box to predict your future.

From the moment I batted my first toy mouse beneath the full moon, I knew destiny had chosen me. My whiskers tingle when Venus shifts, my tail flicks with every lunar eclipse, and if Mercury dares to retrograde? Well, let’s just say I warned you not to schedule that vet appointment.

I have read fortunes from Istanbul to Indianapolis, for alley cats and aristocats alike. Kings have sought my wisdom, kittens have begged for guidance, and more than one golden retriever has left my salon in tears (what can I say — the truth isn’t always fetch).

Do not mistake me for your average “mystic feline.” I am a creature of purr-found insight. I divine the path of every floof who crosses my velvet-lined threshold.

Come closer, darling. Place your paw in mine. Together we will uncover what the stars whisper about you — because if anyone can translate the universe’s secrets into fabulous feline wisdom, it is I, Madame Purrlina, Oracle of the Cosmos.